The dilemma we present here is real, told to us for your consideration. We change only names and occasionally some of the details to protect privacy of the individuals and/or organizations involved. If you have an ethical dilemma that you would like to share, please contact the editorial staff at Independent School ([email protected]).
Margaret Webb and Francis MacDonald were good friends. As a result, their children grew up together and got to know the others’ parents well. Webb became particularly close to MacDonald’s youngest child, Jim, when he was in high school. Webb was the art teacher at the school and Jim had discovered a passion for painting and computer graphics.
Toward the end of Jim’s senior year, he began spending more and more time in the art studio. One day, when Webb was alone with him, Jim confessed that he had a great deal on his mind and that he’d always trusted Webb as a friend and teacher. He suddenly blurted out that he was gay and that he was convinced his parents would not want to know this about him. College was waiting for him in a few months’ time, and he wanted to start his new school adventure on good terms with his parents. He claimed to have broached the subject several times and received a clear signal that the subject of sexuality was taboo.
Webb wasn’t completely surprised by Jim’s perception of his parents’ values and wishes. On more than one occasion, Francis MacDonald had revealed to Webb some very traditional attitudes. Webb felt it was probably true that Jim’s parents didn’t want to talk about sexuality in general, and didn’t want to know about Jim’s sexuality in particular. As the young man poured out his fears, needs, and hopes to her, Webb began to feel increasingly uncomfortable. What should she do with the information Jim had shared? On the one hand, it was right to help him address this issue with his parents. Clearly, this was important to Jim and it would be healthier if he could share his thoughts and feelings than if he covered them up. On the other hand, Webb was not a psychologist or family counselor. She didn’t feel she had the expertise to jump into the middle of this family issue. What if her attempt to help actually back fired and made things worse for Jim, and for her friendship with the MacDonald family?
As Webb thought it through, two resolution principles came in handy. First, she considered the “Kantian approach” to right versus right decision-making. She had a strong feeling that the guiding principle to uphold was, as the Kantian approach puts it, “honor the truth.” In her experience, it was usually best to be honest, regardless of how the chips fall as a result. Second, Jim clearly wanted help in being truthful with his parents. When she put herself in his shoes, she saw that he really needed support and a friend.
Webb and Jim met with his parents together. Webb explained that Jim needed the love and support of his parents, especially as he was going away to school. When Jim told his parents he was gay, they were polite and attentive, but not warm or instantly accepting.
As the weeks passed after their meeting, Jim reported that his parents were becoming increasingly supportive. However, Webb found she had lost a friend. While she and Jim kept in touch over the years, Francis MacDonald became distant. Webb believes that, on some level, her friend blames her for Jim’s willingness to be open and honest about his sexuality.