This article appeared as "The Heart of the Matter" in the Fall 2024 issue of Independent School.
Over the years, I’ve held various roles in independent schools, including college counselor, class dean, upper school head, and currently enrollment director. I’ve had countless conversations with parents that have allowed me to gain an understanding of what they prioritize in an independent school. Whether I’m talking to a prospective parent or the parent of a senior navigating the college process, academics are usually at the top of their list. What will prepare their children to be successful in college and in life?
But there’s also been an unspoken desire that has bubbled under the surface consistently during my 20-plus years in independent schools: Parents ultimately want to know that their child matters, not just to their school but in a broader sense. They seek assurance that their child feels valued and seen by their peers, teachers, and the school community at large. Subconsciously, I think I’ve always known that. In our conversations, they’ve told me about their desire for good communication from the school; they want to see that their child is involved in school activities and has good peer relationships; and they want to see a celebration of diversity and inclusion, promoting safety and well-being for all, and so on.
The concept of mattering, first coined in the early ’80s by sociologist Morris Rosenberg, refers to the idea that we make a difference to others, that they notice us and value what we do. This concept applies to many aspects of life, from personal relationships to education and learning. It really started to resonate with me in summer 2023, when I attended a webinar featuring Jennifer Wallace, author of Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic. In her book, she posits that the relentless pursuit of achievement and success often leaves people feeling unfulfilled and disconnected. At the core of this disconnect is the unfulfilled desire to matter.
Through Wallace’s work—she also founded The Mattering Movement (thematteringmovement.com), which helps parents and educators shift their focus and emphasize the importance of recognizing and affirming their children’s inherent worth in everyday interactions—I started to unpack the anxiety and fears I’ve seen in parents over the years: their high expectations for their children’s education, their control over decision-making, the comparisons they make of their children to others, and their hyperfocus on achievement. Parents want to convey to their children that they matter, but, instead, they often become so focused on curating their children’s lives for the best possible future that they forget to show them how much they matter.
So, what do parents want from independent schools? While they want their children to get a high-quality education, and everything that comes with it, at the heart of their desire is a place where their children feel valued. What if schools could help with that? What if schools more intentionally modeled for parents how to transform their fear and anxiety into expressions of their children’s importance? We can—and we should. Because when we let parents know from the get-go that they and their children matter, we are better able to meet their parental needs.
A Mattering Approach
When families begin their independent school journey, their first impression of what their child’s experience will be like often comes from the application and admission process, which can all at once be exciting, confusing, and nerve-racking. The Enrollment Management Association’s “The Ride to Independent Schools Report 2024,” which tracks the insights, behaviors, and opinions of more than 3,000 families applying to independent schools, identifies four key expectations that parents bring to the independent school experience: academic excellence, a transparent admission process, affordability, and a supportive environment for student success.
I think these expectations can serve as a useful guide for how schools should think about parent engagement because, within each of those areas, there’s an opportunity for schools to showcase the beauty of how independent school communities help families know they matter. Supporting much of the work that independent schools are already doing, the concept of mattering offers a powerful approach for creating meaningful and fulfilling educational experiences, and schools can enhance parental satisfaction, student success, and the overall well-being of their communities.
Academic excellence. Ask any parent what their No. 1 priority is when it comes to their child’s education, and the answer most always will be “top academics” or academic excellence. However, when parents express their desire for academic excellence, they are also implicitly seeking an environment that stimulates their children’s curiosity and love of learning.
Personalized learning experiences and opportunities for inquiry-based learning are the kinds of academic offerings that can meet the needs of students with different interests and strengths—and ultimately can demonstrate how schools communicate that students matter. One of the signature programs at my school, Marlborough School (CA), is our Accelerator program, which equips budding entrepreneurial students with the funding, education, and mentorship to launch a business related to their interests and scale its impact. Not only does the program enhance students’ research skills, but it reinforces the understanding that their interests and efforts matter to the community.
Schools should also consider the ways in which they celebrate academic achievements by thinking beyond outcomes. Recognizing students’ unique talents and efforts reinforces their sense of importance and fosters a culture where every student can see their value and worth. For example, highlighting students’ capstone and research projects, extracurricular achievements, service and community involvement, and awards based on leadership and character are all worthy of celebration and allow kids who may not fall within the top 10% academically to be recognized.
Transparent admission. The admission process—often a parent’s first impression of a school—must establish a strong sense of trust and credibility with prospective families. Parents want to know that the process is fair and equitable because that signals to them that the school values integrity and honesty. Every family going through the admission process should have a consistent experience; every family is treated fairly and special exceptions are not made for legacies, donors, and so on.
Clearly articulated admission criteria, which include accessible, detailed, and clear information about the process, such as step-by-step guides and FAQs, on the website and in printed materials, can help alleviate some of the stress and anxiety parents experience—and reinforce that families matter and that the school anticipates the needs of its students. Personalized and timely communication can also convey this same message. Every inquiry and application should receive friendly and individualized responses that make families feel valued from their first interaction. This personalization can go a long way in setting the tone for what a school values, and it plays a vital role in the student’s ultimate decision to attend.
For example, when we sent out acceptances this year, as director of enrollment management, I sent each admitted student a handwritten note letting them know I recognize the value they could bring to our community and that they matter. It was time-consuming and hard on my wrist, but in the end, it really paid off—I received countless thank-you messages about “seeing” the children. Some families said they decided to change their enrollment decision because they didn’t feel like a number—they felt valued.
Affordability and perceived value. Tuition can be a significant barrier for parents who are considering independent schools (turn to page 86 to read about how parents pay independent school costs), and the rising costs of tuition and inflation can cause parents already at an independent school to question its value. But when schools help parents understand the overall quality of the educational experience and the long-term benefits, parents’ perception of value extends beyond financial considerations, and what the school provides becomes worth the sacrifice.
To address concerns about affordability and to demystify the financial aid process, schools should prioritize offering individualized support and opportunities for families to learn about the process. Webinars or one-on-one counseling sessions with financial aid staff as well as multilingual resources and offering evening and weekend hours demonstrate to families that they matter.
When schools highlight the benefits of an independent school education, such as college matriculation data, character development, and lifelong skills, to help justify the investment and enhance perceived value, they need to frame these benefits through the lens of mattering. When parents feel that their financial sacrifices are acknowledged and appreciated, they are more likely to believe that their children matter to the school. Small gestures, such as personalized letters to families or acknowledgments of contributions (monetary or voluntary), build trust and connection.
Supportive environment for success. Parents are interested in their children not only developing intellectually but also emotionally—they want their children to thrive academically, socially, and emotionally in a safe and nurturing environment. Independent schools everywhere offer this kind of environment as demonstrated by the comprehensive support services they offer, such as personal and educational counseling and peer mentoring; the strong student-teacher relationships and small class sizes; the inclusive curriculum and activities and the focus on well-being; and the visibility of leadership.
When schools highlight and communicate these measures and the culture of support they nurture, they communicate to students and families that each student’s well-being and success are paramount. This sense of being valued and cared for helps students feel that they matter to their school community, which not only enhances their academic performance but their overall emotional and social well-being as well, leading to a more fulfilling and successful school experience.
Full Circle
Authentic engagement is key to ensuring that parents and students feel valued and connected to the school community—that they matter. According to EMA’s “Ride to Independent Schools” report, authentic and ongoing engagement with a school significantly enhances parental satisfaction and loyalty. Consistent communication, meaningful interactions, and a genuine commitment to understanding parents’ needs and aspirations help build trust and strong relationships. We must continue to create space for parent education events, weekly newsletters, coffees, and social media posts that keep parents informed and connected as well as parent partnerships, advisory committees, and volunteer opportunities.
A strong sense of community is essential to create a culture of mattering. Schools that prioritize mattering from admission through enrollment are more likely to retain students and their families, as well as faculty and staff. Ultimately, fostering a sense of mattering is not just about meeting parents’ desires; it’s about nurturing the potential of every student, ensuring that they feel seen, valued, and important in their educational journey.
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What are parents looking for in an independent school? NAIS has conducted extensive research on why parents send their children to independent schools. The studies, which used the Jobs-to-Be-Done methodology, consisted of a series of interviews with parents whose children recently enrolled in, moved out of, or were accepted to but did not enroll in an independent school. Download the reports, “Jobs to Be Done: Independent School Parents” and “Jobs to Be Done: Parents of International Students.”