This article appeared as "Meeting the Parents" in the Fall 2024 issue of Independent School.
I had an epiphany the other day when all three of our teen and young-adult kids were home, seated on the couch, each absorbed in their phones. It dawned on me that in that moment, as in so many, they were within my reach; I could see them, attest to their physical safety, check in on them, and yet, they were also beyond my reach, deep in their virtual worlds.
You won’t be surprised to hear my own adolescence was not nearly as closely physically monitored. Mostly tech-free—except for the much-loved Atari hooked up to a black-and-white TV—and largely unsupervised, I lived and survived many misadventures, including almost trite ones involving old gravel roads and train tracks. My stories seem to my kids like something directly out of the ’80s-based Netflix hit Stranger Things.
When I think back to my childhood, it’s easy to assume my parents didn’t worry at all. Our collective bumps, bruises, and scrapes didn’t warrant much attention from them; as medical professionals, they frequently regaled us with what “real” medical issues looked like. And what passed as supervision was ensuring that all kids were accounted for at the dinner table at 6:15 p.m., shortly after the fire department blew the 6 o’clock whistle and kids everywhere jumped on their bikes to head home.
And then I think about my parenting style—and that of my peers—partially characterized by a preoccupation with our kids’ safety and happiness, and by a looming anxiety about their virtual lives, over which we have very little control.
In reality, I know my parents did worry about me and my siblings. After all, parents have always felt the risks and tensions inherent in raising human beings and preparing them to survive in the world beyond home. And while parents have long nurtured their kids in partnership with schools—which share in the managing of child-rearing—something has shifted. The tensions, which have always been present, are different now. They’re more concentrated, and they’re causing a serious strain on school leaders and educators.
As we seek to understand and improve parent-school relations in today’s context, I think it is critical to begin with understanding and empathy. And to find ways to fortify the trust that is such an important part of the partnership.
The Roles Parents Play
To understand the complex relationship with parents, it’s important to acknowledge the many ways we connect with them and the many vital roles they play in sustaining our schools and school culture.
On average, independent school boards are made up of 48% of current parents, and an additional 29% of past parents, according to NAIS’s latest “State of Independent School Governance” report. Parents play a big part in the long-term financial sustainability of our schools; for example, more than half of current and past parents give to school capital campaigns. Parent associations plan and carry out school events that are critical to sustaining school culture, often working hand-in-hand with staff members to do so. “Ignore the parents’ association at your peril,” one veteran leader suggested in a recent collection of advice I gathered for new heads. And we can’t forget the unique and important insights we get from those parents who are also teachers or members of our staff and from alumni who have kids in our schools.
Because parents are so intertwined in so many aspects of schools, these relationships can be the linchpin to healthy culture and operations. And yet, these connections can be uneven, depending on the role, involvement, and expectations of each individual.
Inviting Parents Back into the School Culture
One head I spoke with recently shared a theory on why relationships with parents seem to be more fraught today. For all schools, the pandemic made it challenging to bring parents into the culture of a school; beyond needing to restrict their time physically on campus, it was harder to include them in the norms, traditions, and practices of the school when all norms, traditions, and practices were in flux. And in the wake of the pandemic, some schools have struggled to rebuild the opportunities to educate parents about the important elements of school culture.
Four years later, this accumulation of missed opportunities likely makes some parents feel a diminished sense of belonging, and the lack of exposure to school culture might be showing up in their behavior. In other words, like our students, some parents might have missed developmental windows within our communities that have traditionally supported the school-parent relationship.
Now in 2024, this deterioration comes face-to-face with the all-encompassing societal context of polarization. In recent research that NAIS collaborated on with David Miller of the University of Pennsylvania, 52% of independent school heads identified significant polarization within the parent body at their school. In fact, parents were the constituency most frequently identified as being polarized.
As we find ourselves in a contentious election year that is likely to continue inflaming polarization, intentionally bringing parents back into more regular contact with our school culture in more tangible ways is going to be particularly important. Building their understanding of, and buy-in to, the school mission and culture can fortify our communities and help us weather whatever external circumstances may come.
Beyond getting parents physically to campus, we have to consider other ways to open lines of communication and educational opportunities for them, including about the important role of civic education in a democracy and how it informs school mission, school norms, and the curriculum. The recently published “Thriving in a World of Pluralistic Contention: A Framework for Schools,” created by John Austin, head of Deerfield Academy (MA), and a group of independent school leaders, might provide some useful ideas and guidance about how to clarify a school’s approach to issues such as stance-taking, and how to then communicate about these approaches to the parent community.
Boundaries and Expectations
Part of educating parents about the norms of school culture is to help them understand and respect boundaries. While independent schools have long focused on establishing boundaries to ensure positive parent-school relationships, it’s worth taking a new look in today’s context. These boundaries take on new importance amid the growing levels of anxiety and stress among parents.
In Hopes and Fears: Strengthening the Relationships with Today’s Independent School Parents, Second Edition, Rob Evans and Michael Thompson encourage us to be clear on boundaries and to set high expectations for parents. “Bring out the best in parents by understanding their hopes and empathizing with their fears, by modeling patience, by creating guidelines, and, finally, by asking—even requiring—them to be their best, most adult selves in relation to the school community.” They go on to offer more detailed advice, including being clear and direct in handbook policies, to limit confusion.
Meeting Parents with Empathy
Is it objectively harder to parent today than it was in, say, 1981? In a recent Pew Research report, 62% of parents say it is somewhat harder than they thought it would be. Another 26% says it’s a lot harder.
While I should, and do, cut my own parents some slack for some of the more laissez-faire parenting styles of the ’70s and ’80s, I’d say it at least feels harder to be a “good parent” today.
Parenting is no longer just about raising well-fed and well-mannered kids who work hard in school and ultimately find a way to support themselves. The flood of information available to us today means we know all the risks “out there” in the world, including in the virtual world. The world also feels that much more competitive, and we’re more aware of the importance of our children’s inner lives, their emotional and relational well-being. All this good and important information raises the stakes for our parenting choices. The metaphorical bumps and scrapes feel much more consequential.
In this context of increased parental anxiety and societal polarization, independent schools have an important role to play. We can use the uniquely close environments we have built at our schools to better understand parents and partner with them to help our kids through challenging moments. We can build trust with parents so that they better understand the school’s role in looking out for individual students. Ultimately, we can create places of belonging for not just the students in our care but for their parents as well.
