This article appeared as "Full Circles" in the Fall 2024 issue of Independent School.
Twenty-two years ago, when Michael Wirtz was a chemistry teacher, house parent, and coach at Concord Academy (MA), Susanna Waters was a student in his dorm. Proof that the independent school world is a small one with lasting ties, they reconnected about 10 years later at an independent school hiring fair and have stayed in touch since. Wirtz, now head of school at St. George’s School (RI), has been a mentor and sounding board for Waters as she advanced through the school leadership ranks. This fall, Waters begins her first headship at Fay School (MA) after serving as associate head for academic affairs at Brooks School (MA). In this conversation, they discuss the in loco parentis role of schools, how the relationship between parents and schools has changed post-pandemic, and the benefits of a strong school-parent partnership.
Susanna Waters: I’m a parent of three children, and as my oldest, who’s 10, gets closer to being a potential boarding student somewhere, I realize the enormity of that choice. It takes an incredible amount of trust to sign them up for a set of dorm parents, advisers, coaches, and teachers to take over some of the responsibilities of rearing that child, particularly for the parents of international students who are sending their kids around the world. In loco parentis is a leap of faith, I think.
Michael Wirtz: That’s true, even in a day school. My kids attend St. Michael’s Country Day School (RI) now, and this is their first experience where their dad is not the head. It’s interesting to be a school leader and see into another school community. What’s been your experience of being an independent school parent?
Waters: My children previously attended The Pike School (MA). As a school person you know how much effort the faculty and staff are investing in your kid, so wherever possible, I tried to step back and let them lead. Now that my children are at Fay, my husband, who will not be employed by the school, will be the go-to parent. There’s a healthy separation of church and state there.
Wirtz: Being an independent school parent has helped me as a school leader think about what parents want from a school. I tell families that their child is going to be known here, they’re going to be cared for, and the people who work here are incredible professionals who have made a real commitment to the education of their child. You and I are lucky to work with amazing educators. But, at the same time, we know these are not easy jobs, that our colleagues face increasing demands and pressures. Both of us were in school leadership during COVID-19. How have you seen parental expectations shift since the pandemic?
Waters: I spoke with Ingrid Knowles, director of student affairs at Brooks School, about this recently. She feels that the biggest change since the pandemic is that parents have a higher degree of involvement in their children’s lives. That’s in part because they became responsible for some of the education that happened on the home front during that time.
More often now, parents are trying to curate their children’s experiences. I can appreciate that; I lived that too as a parent, and I have a lot of empathy. But sometimes it can be challenging to let our children experience discomfort or not to be able to dictate what their next choices might be. Kids are going to make mistakes. Often, when talking with parents, I’ll tell them, “We’re in the business of kids, and kids make mistakes—it’s developmentally appropriate.” And, of course, it’s not about the mistake. It’s the lesson learned and how we encourage their character education from this moment forward.
Going back to Ingrid, she told me she’s trying to be thoughtful about that messaging to parents, especially after noticing an uptick in their involvement post-pandemic.
Wirtz: Pre-pandemic, there seemed to be greater levels of trust in the work that schools and teachers did. The pandemic created a lack of control in our lives, and some parents started to see their kids’ academic or educational environment as something they could have more control over. Independent schools are expensive. Families are making a significant commitment to putting their children in these schools, so I don’t fault families who want to know more or want to ask tough questions. I think that’s reasonable. But it’s how they do it, right? Educators at whatever level, whether a kindergarten teacher or a high school science teacher, know how to work with kids of that age. Schools want the best for children, and based on our years of experience working with students of a particular age, we may see a different pathway forward than parents. The thing that has changed over time is the tolerance for seeing that other perspective and recognizing the expertise that exists. At the same time, we risk quite a lot as educators and schools if we do not make a genuine effort to hear a family’s concerns and establish a partnership.
Waters: In Brooklyn Raney’s book One Trusted Adult: How to Build Strong Connections & Healthy Boundaries with Young People, she mentions that our subject-matter expertise, whether it’s algebra or modern world history, is primarily a vehicle for us to build relationships with children. That’s the essence of what we’re signing on to: caring for these kids unconditionally at a challenging or transformative time in their lives. That’s a noble pursuit.
Wirtz: From my own parenting perspective, sometimes it feels like there’s a competitive atmosphere. This parent is doing this for their child and this other parent is doing that, and even though my wife and I parent in alignment with our values, all of a sudden you start to feel like, “Gosh, if I don’t do this, am I disadvantaging my child?” I think that undercurrent is part of parenting these days. That adds a layer of anxiety to all of this, and I see it in my own parenting. It’s not easy to be a parent.
Waters: No, it’s certainly not. And we all make mistakes. As a school, we’re going to mess up sometimes. And we need the parents to call us on that. But it’s important that we feel like we can be honest, that when we mess up, we can admit that to the kids and parents and work through it together. Conversely, if the kid or the parent messes up, they need to feel like that’s OK, too. That’s all predicated on trust, and it can be hard to assume trust at the start. The relationship building is important.
Wirtz: As school leaders, we know the complexities and challenges in navigating those moments when something wasn’t handled as well as it could have been on the school side, which cascaded into creating an issue. We need to acknowledge that to parents while also supporting our colleagues in that moment. Those are some of the more difficult things that we must contend with when it comes to families.
On a brighter note, what’s your favorite moment with parents?
Waters: Celebrating the wins. It’s inspiring to see the journey of kids finding success that buoys their self-confidence after they are down—whether it’s a social struggle or difficulty in an academic class or extracurricular. You care so deeply for that child, and you share that joy with the parents.
Wirtz: Some of my most profound moments are when it feels like there’s a deep level of trust between you and the family—when you can look back on the growth of that student or see something they just accomplished and know you were able to help in some way. When the family partners with the school to help make that success happen, that’s meaningful.
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