I remember a very difficult period when I was growing up in the early ‘90’s and fixated on the father I did not have and the moments I would never experience. I would never know what it felt like to have my dad push me on my bike and catch me from falling as I learned how to balance myself. I would never know what it was like to greet him when he came home from work like kids did in the movies. And I would never know what it was like to bring my dad to the popular school event called “Donuts with Dad.”
This seemingly fun event—which is still held across the country in elementary schools today—invites students’ dads to meet for a sweet treat with their kids as a way to help build community. That’s when I first began to notice the differences between my family structure—which included my mom and sister—and other families at my school—which typically had a mom and a dad. I started to ask my mom why I didn’t have a dad, and those were really hard conversations for her.
As a kid, I didn’t realize the emotional impact that a school event could have on a student. There were “Muffins for Moms” or other times that school programming fell short of being inclusive. These events were supposed to be light and fun, and year after year, they reminded those who didn’t fit the mold that they were different. Now as an educator, I believe schools need to reexamine traditions and look at every aspect of the student and family experience through the lens of diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI). We have a duty to ensure that all students feel included and celebrated, no matter their family structure.
The Emotional Toll
I watched as other children and their dads were having the time of their lives. I replayed these memories in my mind as I cried myself to sleep. I would squeeze my pillow with every muscle in my body until I exhausted myself. I remember my sheets, cover, and shirt would be soaking wet with snot and tears. This would go on for hours, in the dark, until I finally fell asleep having worn myself out.
The following morning, I would go to school and learn. I would play during recess and hangout with my friends. I did all this while feeling there was something broken within me. This painful cycle repeated every time there were events that highlighted the stereotypical family structures, especially around the holiday season.
I’ve never told anyone about these feelings, and I’m sure the teachers and administrators at my elementary school didn’t even realize I had been affected. At the time, diversity, equity, and inclusion were not words one commonly heard is schools, and programs often forced students to assimilate to American culture and language. But today, we must talk about DEI.
Doing the Work
My experiences with exclusion, forced assimilation, and social services led me to choose a career in social work and later, education. Though equity and social justice were at the center of both careers, it wasn’t until 2020 that I decided to become a full-time DEI consultant. A couple of years later, I was exposed to this work within independent schools, which then inspired me toward my current role at The Meadowbrook School (MA).
Schools need to tackle the embedded systems that perpetuate othering and exclusion—not only in times of crises. While many schools are at different parts of the journey of DEI work (some have a role dedicated to this work while others are piecing it together as they go), schools should have guidelines of what DEI looks like at their school and how to measure success.
The organizational commitment should be visible from the beginning, in interviews with prospective employees and families, and through the lifecycle of all constituents at the school. Communicating a commitment to DEI needs to become part of a school’s culture. And when colleagues or families are not on board, schools should have clear policies to reinforce beliefs and hold them accountable.
With a DEI approach that encompasses all areas in the school, there will be a process and a guide for what to do when traditions like “Donuts with Dads” pop up. If we can be unintentional about causing harm, we can be intentional about avoiding it. When planning school events, faculty and staff—from teachers to heads of school, division heads, and directors of admission and advancement—should:
- consider renaming events to be inclusive, such as “Donuts with Friends” or “Donuts with Grownups,” rather than those that focus on gender. Creative community engagement can help include everyone.
- avoid making school events “cute.” When being “cute” is the biggest emphasis at school assemblies and events, without a multicultural lens, we will continue to cause unintentional harm. While envisioning young students in traditional Mexican attire for a Cinco De Mayo assembly can sound “cute,” this holiday is more about the history of the state of Puebla and the Mexican army’s victory over the French, and not in celebration of Mexico’s independence. Schools should teach the history of a holiday before attempting to celebrate it.
- develop a strong partnership with the DEI office. Practitioners can serve as allies to ensure events are not harmful. As practitioners, we continuously learn and teach about cultural traditions and identities and how to build belonging. We offer a unique multicultural lens that can be helpful in creating inclusive programming.
My scars will never fully heal, but if I can, I would like to prevent other kids from going through what I did. All children deserve to feel the love and inclusion that makes school a community to thrive in.