I started my career in independent schools as an over-confident and eager 20-something who thought she knew more than she actually did. I saw my role as a dorm parent and teacher as being an extension of my time spent as a camp counselor.
As a young and still-learning teacher, I became a parent, and for the first time, I felt a significant shift in my role as an educator. I learned what it was like to have your heart live outside your body and the complicated feelings of entrusting the care of my child to other people.
Now, I’m on the precipice of my next great shift as an educator. This fall, my son will leave home to attend an independent boarding school. For the first time in my career, I will know first-hand what it is like to entrust people whom I do not know with the well-being of my child.
Trusting My Child’s School
The months leading up to dropping my son off at his new school have been a roller-coaster of emotions. I am beyond excited for the opportunities and adventures that await him. I am eager for him to chart his own path and find independence. I am nervous about all the things a parent can possibly be nervous about: Will he make friends? Will he do his homework? Will he change his sheets? Will he call me? And like a movie I don’t really want to watch, I repeatedly think about our good-bye once we reach the time at registration when families are kindly asked to leave campus.
I will have to remind myself that my husband––who is also an independent school educator––and I chose our son’s new school for a reason: We deeply believe in and value what independent schools do. We both attended independent schools––Suffield Academy (CT) and Rabun Gap-Nacoochee School (GA) respectively––and we are keenly aware of how our educational journeys improved our lives through the opportunities our schools gave us and the people we met along the way. Our experiences are what led us to become independent school educators.
Since the day we decided to support our son’s desire to go to boarding school, I have been waging an internal war as I try to reconcile my perspective as an educator and how I feel as a parent. The independent school relationship is dependent on partnership and trust between families and the school, and a significant part of that is trusting that our children will be seen, supported, and cared for.
The Bench Metaphor
As an educator, I know how challenging it can be to help parents understand the role school will play in supporting their children. Earlier in my career, when I was working as the director of academics and curriculum at an all-boys school in North Carolina, I found myself using a number of sports metaphors when talking about learning in an independent school environment. One of the metaphors I used early on—and still continue to use––was about the importance of each student building out their bench of adults who support them.
I start by explaining that the independent school environment is designed to support students, and even before students and their families arrive on campus for registration and orientation, the systems of support are already in place. Often the student’s advisor takes the first seat on the bench, and other seats quickly fill as students meet their teachers, their coaches step in, and, in a residential community, a dorm team makes their appearance.
I also explain to parents that a student’s bench can take many forms and how they use their bench can, and likely will, change over time. In fact, it will be completely different from year to year depending on what a student needs. Parents may know everyone on their child’s bench, or they may know very few people. And while the bench’s system of support may also extend to the family, the bench is first and foremost a tool of student support.
In reassuring parents, one thing I always reinforce is that the independent school experience is a journey of self-discovery each student gets to take––they figure out who they are and who they want to be and how to advocate for their needs as they learn to take notice of the adults with whom they have built authentic connections.
My Year of Growth
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how to take in all this advice for myself. My son will soon begin building his own bench. I am eager to meet his advisor, and I look forward to speaking with his teachers, coaches, and dorm faculty. His bench may be different from my bench or even the bench I would design for him. However, I know that he’s going to find his people, and I am excited––and, yes, still nervous––for him to start charting his way in a new school community.
As much as I know that I need to take a step back as a parent and let his new school welcome and support him in all the ways I know are possible, my desire to hover is strong, and I appreciate that this will be a year of growth for me. Part of being a good partner to my son’s school is recognizing that while I know my son very well, there is going to be a new team of adults who will engage with him in his daily life more than I do, and they are experts in what they do.
I can’t wait to see how his bench develops and if it is as impactful as mine has been. From the members of my bench who were at my wedding to my high school English teacher, who is the reason I still grade in purple pen, there are a number of adults who guided and mentored me through my independent school experience who are still instrumental in my life. Just last week I was in the grocery store, and I ran into my high school chemistry teacher, a man who has been sitting on my bench for over 25 years.