After some independent investigation, the school concluded that using a less toxic alternative was viable, doable, and healthier. The Purell was promptly tossed; a new brand purchased and dispensed. The school soon smelled of lavender.
Weeks later, the aforementioned parent’s classroom was holding a breakfast potluck. The room parents reminded all participants—multiple times—to please bring breakfast foods containing little to no sugar. The hand-sanitizer mom hustled into the morning affair a tad late, holding a baker’s dozen box of donuts, her son beaming. These were no ordinary donuts. Some had M&M’s piled on top. Some, bacon and chocolate! Some had gummy worms appearing to dig into soil made of crushed Oreos. Parents involved in the school’s fledgling anti-sugar movement stood askance. One let out a gasp.
The Same, But Different
We all have different values, different hopes, different concerns, different blind spots, and different histories. Even when my child was just 4 months old, I witnessed the variances among fellow parents—from stances on breastfeeding to sleep training to diaper brand to jar food to making your own. And as children age, the layers of differences only become more complicated.Many Westland parents have told me—the head of school—that they chose Westland, “this school on the hill,” because of the sense of commonality they feel with other Westland parents. These shared perspectives comfort them, and to a certain extent, protect their children.
There’s a part of me that really digs this notion. I can see the obvious appeal of being around people whose values largely match your own. There’s an ease to it. There’s this lovely, it-takes-a-village component. There’s part of me, however, that is suspicious. I want to interrupt this idea. I worry that there’s somehow a way to be not “Westland enough.” What if a parent steps outside the preconceived mold? I think about the hand-sanitizer example and conclude, “We all have our thing, don’t we?”
So, what do we do about our differences? What do we do when the issues that we feel nonchalant about and the issues we worry about don’t align with others? For some parents it might be Doritos; having, or not having, screen time; watching the news or PG-13 movies; cursing in the home; and so on. Our differences, big and small, stack up and can become significant fissures. How do we actually sit with our differences? How do we respect contrary opinions while still candidly expressing our viewpoints? When do we hold back and note that differences are not necessarily deficits?
Focus on You
I am a fan of a guideline taken from Visions Inc., a nonprofit specializing in diversity and inclusion, that invites people to “practice self-focus.” This guideline asks me to acknowledge that I have my own set of flaws and my own stuff. Working on my flaws should theoretically keep me plenty busy, so I can step away from focusing outward. This self-focus guideline encourages me to not pass judgment, which can be hard!I vividly remember eating breakfast outdoors at Annenberg Community Beach House in Santa Monica, California, a couple of years ago and peering over at a 2-year-old. He was facing the Pacific Ocean yet staring at an iPad for the entire meal. I was reeling. I wasn’t as present with my own children because of my preoccupation with that child, or rather his parents’ choice. In retrospect, I needed to either shift my focus or invite the little boy to play with my children. This leads me to another Visions Inc. guideline: It’s OK to disagree; it’s not OK to blame or shame yourself or others.
Sharing is Freeing
Having candid, courageous conversations is essential to my role as head of school. By engaging in direct, respectful conversations across difference, I help to create a school culture where disagreement is OK, but where blaming and shaming isn’t. It is important that I model this and inspire others to do the same.I once read that responsibility means that each person asks for 100 percent of what they want 100 percent of the time. I can do this even if it’s uncomfortable. Once I’ve shared and I receive a response, I can then re-establish a boundary if necessary. The point is I am being open, and I am maintaining my integrity as a leader.
We talk a lot about community at Westland. I think community is our biggest strength. Westland’s sense of community was certainly the biggest appeal for me during my head search. When I think about the word “community” etymologically and within the context of Westland, I am left wondering, “What is our common unity?” I hope that one of our common unities is how we treasure, celebrate, notice, and use (maybe the hardest one) our differences. I believe we can be strong in our collective values and remain open to the different ways we navigate educating and raising children. I believe that we can practice self-focus and confront each other in respectful, open ways.
I believe that we can hold EO hand sanitizer in one hand and a chocolate cream-filled donut in the other.
This blog post has been adapted from a 2018 post on Westland School’s blog, In Context V by: Melinda Tsapatsaris.
