In my nearly 50 years in education—as a lower school head and a teacher—and as a parent of three children, I’ve shared advice and guidance through the perspective of a parent and as an educator.
Both being a parent and working with many parents has helped me tremendously in my work with independent schools. Parents are willing to sacrifice, however they do not trust schools blindly. They have hopes and dreams for their children, but they have anxiety too. The intensity of fear is more intense than in prior decades due to factors like the pandemic and the advent of social media. I believe the school-parent partnership is more important than ever, and there are things school leaders can do to build trust and confidence with parents.
So, as we gear up for a new school year, school leaders have a chance to intentionally examine how their relationships with parents are going. It’s an opportunity to continue to build on what’s working and look for ways to improve and cultivate their relationships. Challenges will certainly arise throughout the year, but school leaders who take the extra step can start on the right foot and garner parent confidence, even in difficult times.
Set the Tone
Difficult conversations with parents often arise before the school new school year even begins, and when they do, school leaders must be ready. When I was head of lower school at Gill St. Bernard’s (NJ) and The Bolles School (FL), I used strategies to help parents feel welcome at school, carefully considering what their experience would be like when they came to discuss their concerns. When meeting in my office, I planned out the seating for an inviting atmosphere and to make everyone comfortable. I often would place a photo of the child we were focused on, engaged in learning. Parents would be surprised, and it helped to break the ice.
I’d always greet parents with their names, thank them for coming in, and offer water, iced tea, coffee, a homemade cookie, or a chocolate. The “law of reciprocal giving” means that subconsciously, the receiver needs to give something back, which is often more understanding and cooperation.
I also noticed my posture—I wanted to ensure that my body language conveyed that I, too, wanted a positive outcome for this meeting. I leaned forward to show my interest in the speaker, projecting an openness to listening to understand.
And I let parents take the lead in the conversations by asking, “What are the top two things you want to chat about?" This can set the groundwork to learn about the details and to get their view of the issues.
Stick to the Mission
Parents once trusted schools to do everything, largely without questioning, suggesting, or asking. But, today, parents have adopted a consumer mindset about all things they are paying for—even independent schools. I’ve found that putting the school values and mission at the center of all requests helps school leaders better handle them, especially the ones that administrators will inevitably say no to.
Staying true to the mission is hard. Every day, administrators are pulled in 100 different directions. Reading the mission statement daily or weekly can help keep them centered and on track. As a division head, I’d ask myself each morning one fundamental question that grounded me in all decisions: “What is best for the child?”
Understand Parents’ Needs
To meet family needs, it’s important to understand what their priorities are for their children. In 2018, NAIS conducted research on why parents choose independent schools using the Jobs-to-Be-Done methodology. This framework identified “jobs” parents hire schools to do. Four jobs emerged:
- Job 1 parents want a school to help their child overcome obstacles.
- Job 2 parents want a school to help fulfill their child’s potential in a values-aligned community.
- Job 3 parents want a school to help develop a well-rounded person who will impact the world.
- Job 4 parents want a school to help realize the plan for their talented child.
No matter what Job category parents fall into, my experience is that they fundamentally want to know two things from their school: First, “Do you love my child?” and then, “Do you know what you are doing?”
To do this, school leaders need to know the children’s names, interests, and what’s going on in their families. When a school leader figures out what Job category a parent falls into, they can better speak to that parent’s needs and come to an understanding. It fosters more empathy and compassion to know where the parent is coming from and what they want for their children.
Find the Root Cause
School leaders don’t always see the full picture when they’re talking with an angry or upset parent. Even when I desperately wanted an immediate response or solution, I learned to take the time to gather information and facts. To do this, I often asked parents “why” questions: “Why do you feel that way?” “Tell me more about this part.” “How did that affect you?” and so on.
Digging deeper with parents often reveals that the original reason they came in is often not the root issue. I remember when an angry parent—who eventually shared with me that she was bullied in her youth—just wanted to make sure it never happened to her daughter. Nothing was happening to her daughter, and she admitted that she was looking at situations in anticipation that this would happen. I reassured the parent by showing her the school policies about discipline and bullying and how we monitor all students’ behavior, and she left trusting the school.
It can be helpful to have some prepared statements for difficult conversations. Such as:
- “I sincerely appreciate you coming to me.”
- “I realize sharing these concerns is not easy.”
- “You are a passionate parent, and I love that you are an advocate for your child.”
At the same time, school leaders need to know what is possible and to say it early. Things that are best for the child aren’t always easy for a parent to hear, but by emphasizing that parents and the school are a team, they will have the support they need to have the courage and patience to move through the difficult moment.
Establish the Chain of Command
There are times when a parent goes directly to a senior administrator rather than talking to the teacher about a certain situation. But the teacher should have the first conversations. If an issue escalates, teachers should then bring them to a school leader to mediate.
Administrators have a lot on their plate, so parents should not usurp the chain of command. They can explain to parents that they would not want the parent to go over the administrator’s head and go to a board member without giving them a chance to listen, help, and solve a problem. It’s important to set boundaries like this while building helpful, trusting relationships with parents.
Parents don’t get training, and most parents are trying to figure out what is best for their child on the fly. Try to remember that an angry parent is also a passionate parent. A disagreeable parent is strong-willed. An enabling parent just wants what they think is best to protect their child in this ever-changing crazy world. Turning negative thoughts into a positive attribute can help us come together for a common understanding and agreement.